My last few days

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. Mine was nice..I didnt do anything or go anywhere which made me happy because I dont like family get togethers. My family is crazy and would only ruin the whole day. Im Thankful for my mom, dad and my brother and Im fine just spending the holiday with them. I can do without any other family. The food was good, I dont know if it was extra good because I was so hungry or what but I ate it so fast it seemed like I didnt have much, lol. Well, tuesday
was my birthday. It was nice, I did get to go to the movies, I saw "Twilight" which was awesome. I heard they might make the 2nd and 3rd book. After the movie I went to the dollar store and got a bunch of paper. I love stationary. Later that day we all had chocolate cake and icecream, we all know I had to have my cokes. Talked on phone alot. Tea called to tell me happy birthday, Paul called twice, my granny called and Pat to tell me happy birthday. I played Mortal Kombat with junior. It used to be one of my favorite games when it first came out. This one is the newer version tho. Wednesday I washed clothes, cleaned up (now im sore), cut up the collards, played top chef.. got sick to my stomach lastnight, it was hurting so bad, im not sure if I ate too much or if it was the icecream. Im lactose intolerant so I cant eat much dairy so I was sitting there trying to think what all I had that day that might have had milk or cheese in it. Sucks, Im usually good at making sure I dont over do it but every now and then it gets me. I have been having trouble commenting on peoples blogs today so if I usually comment and haven't thats why.

My Happy Place

Sometimes I dont like to think about the future. Sometimes I dont even want to think about the next day. You never know whats going to happen. Plans dont always work out the way you want them too. Life happens, you get surpises (good & bad) you just never know. But right now, I feel very loved. I feel special and I feel blessed, and I am very thankful for what I have. Sometimes you cant help be think about the future, but I try not to, because I start to worry, then what ifs start to tumble out at a fast pace. So I try to enjoy the happy moments while they last and try not to worry about wether it will last, or always be this way. I see so many couples that are constantly fighting, so many relationships that are destruoyed and torn apart. People living together who no longer love eachother but continuing to stay because either they are scared to leave or they have no where else to go. I dont want that to be me. But why think about things that haven't happened yet, things that may not ever happen. I dont know..Im just babbling now. So I'm choosing to shut my brain off so I can enjoy my happy moments. Find my happy place and stay in it, lol. At least I'll try.

Im free

Well its that time of the month. I cant believe how happy I am that it finally came. I went to the atm today after I got off work. can you believe the machine only had $20 in it. I ended up having to cross the highway to go to the bank. I so wasnt planning on doing that. then I had to go back and get money orders, then I walked home, put my stuff down, used the bathroom cuz I had to pee, lol...then walked down to George's store. Im surprised be was actually open. At work we had sara lee cake w/strawberries and whip creme & icecream at work. Me, my mom and my brother watched Hell boy lastnight, it was good but kept dozin off cuz I was so tired and sleepy. Didnt go to bed until 1am. I got a full sized stick of deoderant in the mail yesterday. I was surprised cuz they usually send the small size. Anyway, I guess thats all for now.

Birthday fun

Smallville is on and SuperNatural comes on next, woohoo! Lastnight me and junior watched this movie called "The Secret". It was very interesting. A few minutes ago we just finished watching "Tropic Thunder". It was so funny. We had domino's pizza for dinner and later tonight were gonna have icecream and cake, cuz its juniors 27th birthday. Im so glad tomorrow is Friday. It was a hard day at work today but I dont want to really talk about it cuz Ive been having a good day since I been home so dont want to bring up any dark thoughts. Man, this coke taste's so good! :)

Looking Forward to..

My brothers birthday is tomorrow. My buddy will be 27. I'm three years older than him. My birthday is 5 days after his. I get to eat icecream and cake with him tomorrow. I finished reading "Eclipse" today, and Ive started on "Breaking Dawn". "Twilight" starts friday! Woohoo! Im excited! I wont see it until next tuesday for my birthday. Eric Jerome Dickeys new book is out today. Junior says he'll get it for me for Christmas. Anywho..this is gonna be a shortie. Three down, two more to go!

Real People, Real Blog Awards

First I want to thank Emmi from: Emmi's Snagger-Tagger: http://snaggertagger.blogspot.com/2008/11/real-people-real-blogs-award.html for giving me this award, (sorry I dont know how to put the name and link together). Before I do my list, here are the rules:

The Marie-Antoinette A Real Person, A Real AwardHere are the Rules for the Award:1. Please put the logo on your blog2. Place a link to the person from whom you received the award ---> 3. Nominate at least 7 or more blogs4. Put the links of those blogs on your blog5. Leave a message on their blogs to tell them.

1. Missy- http://learningtoadapt.blogspot.com/
2. Ken- http://mr-misperceptions.blogspot.com/
3. Kelly Dawn-http://greenolivesandpicklejuice.blogspot.com/
4. Tabby-http://tabathamax.blogspot.com/
5. Diama- http://bitterlysweetcherry.blogspot.com/
6. Alvia-http://bitterlysweetcherry.blogspot.com/
7. Amanda-http://thisismehugs-amanda.blogspot.com/

Im too tired to type more. Still struggling with anxiety, in a effort to try and release what I was feelings I wrote a poem or two on my lunch break, figured I'd share..
Down in a dark place
you can never see the face
of the one who tortures you
makes you feel things you dont want to
feelings like your loosing air
everything seems unfair
quickly loosing your mind
everyday seems so unkind
as you loose the will to live
pain and heartache is what life gives
Drown me in an ocean, let me die
I dont want to go on, I dont want to try
I need some peace, I need some rest
When it rains, it pours on me
When will I ever be set free

I need a knife to dice these veins
Feels like im going permanetly insane
Is there courage in a bottle, strength in a cup
I need some cuz I feel like giving up

While Im in the mood..

Just sitting here watching " A Haunting" and waiting for the mailman to get here. He takes forever. I'm hoping to get some free samples, letters or magazines...something.I have a headache. I've had one on and off all day but now it doesnt seem to be going away. I've been trying not to take anything for it but broke down and took two advils. I try to not take any unless I have to because Ive heard about bad side affects from taking too many and I really dont know how many is too many. So I've rather be safe now than sorry later. Im doing my entry now (even tho its short) just in case I dont feel like it later. If I have more to write I can always write more later (if I feel like it) plus my right wrist is hurting. It gets that way from time to time because at work Im constantly using it over and over...the same wrist and then I come home and use that same wrist on the computer. So Im going to try to give it a rest for awhile. Hope everyone has a nice day. 1 down, 4 to go and I'll have a week off for Thanksgiving break! Yay!

Back again

Oh my goodness! Im sitting here listening to Jeff Dunham, he is so freakin funny. I taped it so I can watch it whenever I need a laugh. My favorite of the puppets is peanut...he's crazy! My brothers favorite is Walter. Me and junior watched this movie lastnight called "The last house in the woods". It was awful! I mean...sucked some nasty lemons, lol. Does anyone know of any good movies that recently came out on dvd. I need some movies to put on my list. I have "The Happening" and "Hell Boy" on my list but it has "long wait" and "very long wait" beside it, so no telling when I'll see those. My brother got a job at "Burlingtons coat factory". Im glad he found something else cuz "Goodys" will be closing soon. He's also trying to get on at "Old Navy". He had to go in tomorrow to do paper work at burlingtons and then go to his other job after that. His birthday is this coming Thursday, he'll be 27. He keeps telling me he's getting old, and im like well if your getting old im ancient. I caught up with my letters today. I only had 4 to answer. Im trying not to let myself get behind again. I feel like my allergies are starting to act up. I hope not tho. Im so glad that after this week I have a week off, yay! Ok, Im gonna go stuff my face.

Just so everyone knows....

Ok...I've debated on wether I would put my feelings out there about this or not. Im not sure what I was gonna write about today but I know it wasnt going to be anything good because my nerves have been bad all day and Im not sure why. But anyway, I will spare you the details of all that today and will just make a statement. I'm a nice person, and on most days I'm a bubbly and upbeat person, even in times where im going thru things, I try my hardest to keep a good out look on things and look on the brightside. But sometimes its hard specially when everything seems to come at you all at once. One thing I think everyone should know, there is alot more going on in my life than what I type on here. I struggle with myself on what I should open up about because of how different people respond. From time to time I may put something in here that is personal and Im not sure if I should share, but I do it to test and see how people will percieve me and react to what I write. Depending on what type of response I get it either makes me feel like I can be more open or it leaves me gun shy and not wanting to put myself out there again. I write all this to say that yes I may complain alot in my journal but that is what my journal is for. I come here to release the stress of whatever I may be going thru. Things I maybe feeling that I cant or wont express in my everyday life. I come here to express myself. Im not writing this to be mean or anything. I appreciate all of my readers and I value your comments and opinions, but I need you all to understand that this is my outlet, my way of getting things off my chest so I wont explode, go nuts or sink into depression or something. If anyone feels like they dont want to read those types of things, I understand and its ok, but nobody is forced to read. Most days my journal will have complaining in it cuz I need to be able to release the tension I may feel. I dont know, it might be alot of people who feel that way, and its ok if you dont like what you read here. But I'm saying this now for any future entrys or comments, this is me, this is where I vent, if it bothers you in anyway Im sorry but you dont have to read it if you dont want. Once again Im not trying to be mean and Im trying to write this in the nicest way possible without being offensive. I hope I haven't offended anyone but I felt like I needed to put that out there. Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting, I hope everyone will continue. There will be more complaining so you've been warned, lol.

Like it or dont

What I like..
I like the fact that its friday and I have two days to rest
I like that I have chips to stuff my face with all weekend
I like that Jeff dunham has a Christmas special coming on Sunday
I like that its raining and I dont have to be out in it
I like that its getting closer and closer to me seeing "Twilight"
I like that I can chat with Missy alot
What I dont like
I dont like that Im sleepy this early
I dont like the way ive been eating so much
I dont like that I can think of many things I dont like at the moment (which is weird)
I actually got a ride to work this morning so I didnt have to walk in the rain but I wasnt getting away with not getting soak, no way. It had stopped raining so I thought Id go take some trash out. yeah as soon as I reached the dumpster, the sky cried on me again *sigh*. I mean mother nature must me down right depressed and taking it out on me, I just dont get it. So I had to walk around in wet jeans..my legs even started to get cold and felt like they were freezing. After work I had to hit the atm machine. Well, i didnt actually hit it but you know..I had a few things to get. Then I made it back home. I had to walk down to George earlier tonight cuz I forgot to give my mom the money to get me a case of cokes. It was hard for me to sleep thing morning cuz it was storming. Thundering and lightening, then the tornado siren came on. So I was waking up on and off. Normally I sleep thru that stuff but for some reason it was waking me up. Anyway, im sleepy so...Im out for now..

When the bottom falls out

Well today has been crappy. First I woke up this morning and got ready for work only to realize when I was about to leave that it was raining. And I dont have an umbrella anymore cuz it tore up so I threw it away. So I had my hoodie on, thinking it wouldnt be too bad cuz it wasnt raining that hard. Well I get out there good and its like the bottom falls out of the sky, I mean..its a 15 minute walk from my house to the school, and normally thats not bad at all but when you have to walk in the pouring rain for 15 minutes, its a very long walk. So by the time I got to work I was soaked, my jacket, jeans, shoes and socks are still wet. I was in a bad mood all day cuz I had to walk around with wet feet the whole time. Then it stops raining later so I decided to take some trash out while I had the time. What do you, as soon as I get to the trash can the sky falls out again, so I was soaked for the 2nd time in one day. I wont be going to that party tomorrow. The lady I was suppose to be riding with tells me today that she didnt realize how far out the place was and its too far so she's not going. I really dont care...Im just glad she told me today instead of just not showing up like she did before. Im not making plans with her or the other girl anymore. Well, at least I dont have to worry about getting her a gift anymore. Oh and to top everything off, I got a summons in the mail today for Jury Duty in December. Im so pissed! I hate jury duty. Its so boring and annoying it makes me want to blow my brains out. *Sigh*

My Tantrum

Well today has been one of those days where my feeling are all over the place. I dont exactly know how to explain it except to say that it feels like Im on the edge, somewhere between sanity and insanity and I dont know what to do. I dont know how to get rid of this dark cloud thats been following me around lately. I was reading the Green Olives and Pickle Juice blog (such a cute name)

http://greenolivesandpicklejuice.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-have-decided.html

And....she asked people to list 5 things that irritated them today...and what do you know..I'd be more than happy too!
ahem...(Is this mic on)

1. My boss acting stupid because I only put one pickle on the stinkin trays. She says some mess about she didnt care if I put 6 or 7 on there cuz we have so many pickles so I piled as many pickles on each tray as I could. Mess around and she wont have any pickles left, bothering me.

2. The phone constanly ringing, kicking me off and interrupting my freakin downloads.

3. Coming home to find out my dad had yank the phone cord out of the wall, broke my moms table and knocked alot of her stuff over in one of his stupid childish rages.

4. My mom calling her mom today and telling her about it. I dont know why she keeps doing that cuz anytime she trys to talk to her mom about something she always wishes she hadnt and ends up upset.

5. Having to tell my b/f no today cuz he asked me to call his brother to ask him something and I didnt want to. I hate saying no to him, its really hard for me to do, cuz all I want to do is make him happy but having to call people I dont even know makes me unhappy so I have to learn how to say no sometimes cuz I know he will keep asking me to if I dont say no.

Hurts so good

My hands are still itching. I took the bandaids off. It hurt trying to take them off at first, I had to put lotion on to get it too come off easy. Ok, Im gonna share something really weird here because Im feeling like I felt this morning...I dont know why...or where this anxiety keeps coming from, but Im trying to take my mind off things. Sometimes I put my hands under hot water until I cant take it anymore. Its weird, cuz it hurts but it feels good too.

Does that make any sense at all?

Anxiety & Panic

Today didn't start out good at all. I woke up this morning feeling anxious and nervous. Then at work I started to feeling like I was gonna have a panic attack. I went in the bathroom, locked the door and sat on the floor, which my knees up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth as I concentrated on my breathing. In my head I was reciting the 23rd psalms. This might all sound crazy but it helped. Wouldn't you know as soon as I went in there someone wants to knock on the door. Being that I wasnt feeling too good, I wasn't in the best mood the rest of the work day. My mind was...I dont know where but it wasnt at work. I managed to burn up two pans of pizza. And after I had dumped all the trash I forgot and left all the trash cans out side. So I was standing there wondering where all the cans were. Sad thing is, I dont even remember leaving them out there. Thats how far gone my mind was. I dont know why I was feeling that way but Im feeling alot better. I hope there wont be a repeat performance of this tomorrow. No need for an ancore. When I was walking home today this man was looking at me, I just ignored him and kept walking. So I get all the way up the road and I turn at the corner and I look over and he's waving for me to come over where he is. Is he nuts. Like Im about to turn around and walk all the way back down the street just to see if he wants. If he had something to say, he should have said it when he was walking by me. I was tired and not in a happy mood, I dont know who told him he was worth making a u-turn for but it wasnt me. I hate having to use that hand sanitizer cuz it keeps breaking out my hand. I put lotion on my hand today and it burned so bad. I got four bandaids on my fingers and now they are itching. I guess thats it for now. Please excuse me while I go watch Prison Break.

Just a Snippet

Its been a nice weekend, so sad to see it go. Im starting to get really sleepy but I dont want to lay down because it seems as soon as my head hits the pillow my alarm clock goes off and its time for me to get up. Im glad I already washed dishes and got that out of the way. I had took my bubble bath early (oh how I love my bubbles) then ended up having to walk to George. I had a feeling that was gonna happen. I didn't have to walk far tho. I lucked out cuz he was just coming back when I walked up on the porch and he had a case of cokes. woohoo! I dont have a whole lot to add today, just hoping tomorrow wont be too bad, hey..I rhymed, lol. Just wanted to stop in to update just a bit. Until next time...*sigh*

Weekend Jumble

I caught up with my letters again. I only had 5 this time. I got a movie today called "No Mans Land: Rise of the Reeker". I hope its good. I saw the preview and it looked really good. We were suppose to have philly cheese steak sandwhiches today but my mom forgot the cheese and the onions. So we just had the meat and some bacon, it was still good. I guess I didnt need the cheese anyway, I love it but it dont like me all that much. I went down to George's store earlier. I only got 1 coke. I already had one at home, I could have gotten two but my spastic brain didnt think of that until I got home and I wasnt about to go back. But when my brother got home he sent lemon head to the store to get some cokes, but George had ran out of can cokes so she got junior 3/ 20oz and me 3 Dr.Peppers. I'm glad the phone hasnt rang too much today. I tell you some days I answer the phone so much I feel like a freakin receptionist. I should get paid. I did talk to Paul twice today tho. Snowflake was stalking me earlier today but most of the day she's been hiding. I guess she's having one of her low key days. Which means tomorrow she probably act like a crazy cat. I haven't done much else today besides relax. I did wash some clothes, but I still need to do more. But for now, Im done.

Snowflake & Me

Its Friday Yay! *breathe in..breathe out*. Finally! Im just sitting here watching "Hell Date". My throat has been feeling dry for some reason so ive been drinking water..its helping a little but, I hate when my mouth is dry. Snowflake is sitting under my table watching me. She gets a littl stalker-ish some times. Sometimes she sits outside the bathroom door and waits for me to come out. If I dont come out fast enough she yells under the door. I wake up in the morning and she's sitting on the floor beside my bed watching me and I cant help but wonder how freakin long she's been sitting there watching me. Now if this had been a person doing this I would be scared, but since its just a cat, I guess Im ok. It still weirds me out a little bit sometimes when she just sits there starring at me with her big green eyes. Mostly because she has this thing she does, like I can tell when she's getting ready to pounce, she sits really still, almost hunched over and her eyes get really wide (wider than normal, lol) and when she does that it rattles me a little, I get paranoid that she's gonna jump on me and I dont want her looking at me anymore. Its crazy I know but she likes to bite and scratch and Im very tender...easily bruised. I tell this cat all the time that I dont like to play rough. Most times she seems to get that, but sometimes...I dont know...she just wants to fight me for some reason. My brother lets him play rough with him, but he's a man..he has thicker skin so it dont bother him. So the stalker has left the room and I can breathe easy, lol. I love Snowflake, she's a sweet cat (sometimes). I think she has split personalities tho cuz sometimes she can be a devil. But how can a devil looks so sweet and innocent when their sleeping? The world may never know. :)

6 Things about me

I was tagged by Missy from:

http://learningtoadapt.blogspot.com/2008/11/six-things-about-me.html

to do this 6 things about me thingy, so...here we go.

1. I wash my hands alot. Im a little obsessive about it, I might wash my hands between 4 to 6 times before I actually sit down and eat, and then I have to be careful not to touch anything on my way to my sit or this may result in more hand washing. (I feel ya Missy!) Which leaves me using lots of lotion cuz my hands get really dry cuz I wash them so much.

2. Me and my brother are best friends. I think he's one of the most funniest people in the whole world. He's one of those people who I can talk to or hear their voice and everything seems so much better.

3. I love to sleep. Specially in the winter time, being bundled up in blankets, all warm and cozy feels so good.

4. I love coca-cola. Its my most favorite drink in the whole wide world. You can blame my dad for that. He got me and my brother addicted to the stuff. When we were in school on the days he got paid he would bring us a coke home from work..that was the beginning of a never ending habit.

5. I have a hard time saying no to the people I love because I always want to make them happy.

6. Its very hard for me to trust people because of the way Ive been treated.

So, anyway, today at work wasnt too bad cuz I did'nt have to do anything too hard. I just had to cut up four pans of cake, put icing on it and put them all in little square trays. Then I had to make 25 peanut butter sandwhiches. Thankfully I managed to get a cart that didnt have much in it to put up. And they had those pre-packed salads as one of the choices so that made it easier in the dishroom. The only bad thing about that is it fills up the trash quick. I was running out of room, but I made it work. Theres so much drama that goes on there in on a daily basis, I try to just stay in my own bubble, do my job and get finished so I can go home. So...yeah..tomorrows friday, so ready for it to be over cuz I need some rest. Im tired..and sleepy...*sigh*

Hump it on over

So...Its hump day...over the hump..almost there..to the end of the week. Today has been sorta full of ups and downs. I'll feel bad, then I'll feel good, I'll feel sad, then I'll feel ok. I dont know, it started off this morning when I was coughing so hard I was almost choking. I think that alone took alot out of me so my whole body just made me feel drained. Why I felt sad..I dont know, but it eventually went away. I had some happy moments. You know when you talk to a certain person, and just hearing the sound of their voice just make everything ok again. Its amazing how a single person can have that strong an affect on you. Anyway, Im tired but Im gonna try to stay up to watch a movie. I need to get my butt up and do the dishes. Blogger has been getting on my nerves today, I dont know what the problem is, but if I haven't left you a comment its because blogger wont let me. I hope everybody is having a nice night...Im feeling lonely on here.

Ordinary Void

So..it has been one of those days. One where, its just kind of..unexplainable. Nothing bad...or exciting, nothing out of the ordinary, just a basic normal day..but with a sort of emptiness. Maybe its just because im tired and I hadnt had a coke all day. I did take a nap earlier today. Didn't get to sleep as much as I would like tho because I kept getting interupted. Anyway, I got me a coke now so I feel more life like...sad yeah I know...but I do. Maybe, just maybe by the time I get to the end of the can I'll feel like washing dishes. I walked to George in the dark, and I think I was scaring myself with my own shadow.

As far as Monday's go..

Today at work...was..well work, it wasn't too bad tho. As usual somebody stayed out so that throws us behind. The dishroom was a little on the rough side, but on the bright side it kept me going non stop so the time went by pretty fast. I dont know whats wrong with my watch but I cant even change the time on it. If I cant get someone to fix it for me Im gonna have to get another one. I got a hat in the mail for free today. I was surprised. I've signed up for alot of those, but this one is the first one Ive ever gotten. Not like I need a hat, I dont even wear hats. I'll probably end up giving it away. It got kind of warm out today, but now it feels like its starting to get cold again. I guess my free subscription to tv guide is up. It lasted for awhile. But now how am I gonna know whats all coming on? My moms at the hospital waiting on her sister to get out of surgery. Aint no telling how long thats gonna be, she could be up there all day, so I have to cook. I remember when my mom was in surgery, we were up there all day, and then she had to stay there for a week afterwards because they had complications, so we were back and forth up there everyday all day. I was so glad when she could come home. I hate hospitals.

Just a little

Whats going on today? Hmm..nothing much. Can you believe I did 10 letters yesterday? Yes I did! When Im on a roll..Im on it. Hopefully they wont pile up like that again for awhile. I'm almost caught up on my tapes. I have two more to watch after this one Im looking at. Lastnight I watched a movie called "dark Floors". It was a good movie but it kinda confused me at the end. It was way better than the first two I saw tho. I walked down to George's store and got some cokes. Im glad I have enough for tomorrow cuz he wont be open on Monday. I guess thats about all I had to say for today..hmm, yeah I think so.